Monday, February 21, 2011
Musings at Midnight
My loneliness is becoming obscene; mostly because I feel like I am unattractive, which I blame on both BYU and my Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I try to make myself look good, and I walk around campus and don’t get a second look… from males and females alike. I guess it just is disheartening when it is against code for people to be attracted to you, and so I have no clue if what I am doing is actually attractive or if I just look like an idiot. All I ask for is some positive feedback.
All my best friends feel lonely as well, which my heart goes out for them, but my situation and theirs is totally different because people are allowed to be attracted to them, and they can get attention and not worry about being kicked out from BYU. But I coddle them, and tell them that they will someday find someone to compliment them and to finish their sentences, but I don’t really get that in return. They tell me that I am attractive, but it isn’t the same coming from them because they aren’t attracted to me. Maybe I should stop complaining, but it means nothing to me when they say I am attractive.
Most recently though, Talia has developed a crush, which she hasn’t had one in years. I’ve met the guy, think he is awesome, and suggest that she goes for him, and then she asks me if I have a crush on anyone. Well it is a fact that I am interested in a guy, but he lives halfway across the country and half the time I think he is a jerk. Does that count as a crush? She says no. So what does count as a crush? Apparently, to her, a crush is an attraction to somebody from afar, and they usually don’t know, but you like them and are intrigued by them. Back to the guy across the country: doesn’t that count? No. Why it doesn’t count is because I am only interested in him because he is interested in me. Now that I think about it… I’ve never crushed on somebody according to her rules. I only like people who
like me first.
I’ve thought about the whole situation, and it really is true. And I blame the whole situation on a flaw of mine: If somebody compliments me, I can’t resist. Is my confidence so low that I will like anybody who says I am attractive? Well, that seems to be the case. And so now I am stuck, trying to find out if I really do like this guy or if I am just addicted to his compliments. I took into consideration every relationship(ish) that I have ever been in, and I know that I am just addicted to compliments. All of them tell me I’m pretty and I just become smitten. Yes, I realize this is bad, but I don’t see how I will ever overcome this flaw.
The first step would probably be to go back to therapy, but I never want to return to that route. Therapy was hell when I did it, and it sucked, and it made me go to the depth of despair. Also, I am afraid that if I go to therapy again, drugs will be offered like they were before. It was hard enough to resist behavioral drugs before, and now with almost every one of my friends on antidepressants, it will probably be ten times more difficult to turn down drugs. Can I find a way to overcome this flaw without professional help?
All my best friends feel lonely as well, which my heart goes out for them, but my situation and theirs is totally different because people are allowed to be attracted to them, and they can get attention and not worry about being kicked out from BYU. But I coddle them, and tell them that they will someday find someone to compliment them and to finish their sentences, but I don’t really get that in return. They tell me that I am attractive, but it isn’t the same coming from them because they aren’t attracted to me. Maybe I should stop complaining, but it means nothing to me when they say I am attractive.
Most recently though, Talia has developed a crush, which she hasn’t had one in years. I’ve met the guy, think he is awesome, and suggest that she goes for him, and then she asks me if I have a crush on anyone. Well it is a fact that I am interested in a guy, but he lives halfway across the country and half the time I think he is a jerk. Does that count as a crush? She says no. So what does count as a crush? Apparently, to her, a crush is an attraction to somebody from afar, and they usually don’t know, but you like them and are intrigued by them. Back to the guy across the country: doesn’t that count? No. Why it doesn’t count is because I am only interested in him because he is interested in me. Now that I think about it… I’ve never crushed on somebody according to her rules. I only like people who
like me first.
I’ve thought about the whole situation, and it really is true. And I blame the whole situation on a flaw of mine: If somebody compliments me, I can’t resist. Is my confidence so low that I will like anybody who says I am attractive? Well, that seems to be the case. And so now I am stuck, trying to find out if I really do like this guy or if I am just addicted to his compliments. I took into consideration every relationship(ish) that I have ever been in, and I know that I am just addicted to compliments. All of them tell me I’m pretty and I just become smitten. Yes, I realize this is bad, but I don’t see how I will ever overcome this flaw.
The first step would probably be to go back to therapy, but I never want to return to that route. Therapy was hell when I did it, and it sucked, and it made me go to the depth of despair. Also, I am afraid that if I go to therapy again, drugs will be offered like they were before. It was hard enough to resist behavioral drugs before, and now with almost every one of my friends on antidepressants, it will probably be ten times more difficult to turn down drugs. Can I find a way to overcome this flaw without professional help?