Thursday, May 5, 2011
He let me know that he was really fond of me and how he was just in a bad state of mind. And then I just said, “If you want to talk about things, I’m going anywhere. But as for us, I can’t keep going over to your house for make outs or anything.” He said ok, and I fell into a deep coma. I ended things. I always do and so I was happy and content with myself, but then the next week he popped up on my chat again.
Things seemed cordial, and after we both said hey, he told me, “Jacob, I think I got my ability to love again.” This came off as shocking because he has always said that love doesn’t exist and that love is a waste of time to try to find. All I could respond was, “What?” Did this mean that he wanted to love me? Turns out no, but from what he said it sounded like he has gotten back together with his ex. But then he pulled the same card that I pulled a week previous. “We can’t see each other anymore.” I said ok and he said thanks for listening.
After our chat, I was just furious and for no reason. How dare he break things off with me? And I broke things off with him first! I had the upper hand and I gave the final word, and then he just decided to pop up, break things off, and then go off happily into the sunset. I guess my big issue is that I seem to be able to inspire people around me to fall in love with anyone but me. I am the Susan Lucci of relationships.
Also, my sister has moved up to Provo, but I have yet to see her. She wants to meet up but only at times when I am busy or asleep. I really just want to tell her, “I don’t respond to texts at 2:30 in the morning, even if they are emergencies… all they do is wake me up and make me grouchy.” Yesterday she started to text me about a guy she wanted me to date… which is weird because she was one of the meanest of my family members after I came out. Now she is showing my picture everywhere and asking what kind of guys do I like. Honestly, I like guys who tell me I’m pretty and don’t hang out with my sister. I think those are the only two requirements I have in a guy.
I have two more months with my sister in town before I actually graduate and I can actually have hopes to leave BYU. Then I actually will have dating issues and stories, that is if I ever get asked out. It scares me to think about being able to date openly and whoever I want, because what if I don’t get asked out? I don’t go to clubs, I don’t believe in nasty gay social sites, and I don’t believe in hookups. So how is it that I find other people like me? Maybe I have a preconceived idea of how gays are from how gays are here: sluts, whores, and lushes. I just don’t see how that is attractive, but that is what most gays are like out here… so maybe that is how they all are out in the real world. I just try to keep those thoughts out of my head because I should probably be focusing on schoolwork or something. Meh.