Sunday, March 20, 2011
I Hate My Bishop; Therefore, I Feel Uncomfortable in Church.
Last November, my bishop met with me to discuss me getting promoted in the priesthood. I denied and received a letter from him that was completely on my sexuality, how that was the reason I don’t feel witness from the spirit, and was in turn told that I was possessed. This of course is the speed version of what happened, and I will try to put up my post explaining the whole situation, but I digress.
This last Wednesday, I was talking to my father on the phone, trying to explain why I didn’t want my sister’s boyfriend to move in with me. I didn’t want to be blunt and say, “I don’t want him to live with me because I don’t want people back at home to know that I am the apostate child. I don’t want people to judge my parents because of how my life pans out. I don’t want to ruin things for my sister.” So instead, I was just kept saying that I was hard to live with. My dad then decided to insult me several times, and then reference the bishop’s last letter where it said, “… the dark side inside of you.” I really had no clue what this meant and my father told me that I needed to ask my bishop.
I would rather stab myself in the eye with a meat skewer than meet with the bishop, so instead I sent him an email. I asked him what he meant by the, “dark side,” and also why he gave me a letter about sexuality when that was not the subject matter that I asked about. But then I wrote him the truth; the letter haunts me. Because of that letter, I feel awkward around him and at church, and most of the time I feel ostracized. I feel like he judges me, and that he is two faced, and that he will treat me just like his previous members in Greenwich Village, whom he described as, “… visiting hell when I went to visit! They hate the world and everyone in it, and have no potential….”
He didn’t take to the letter too kindly and responded in the hour telling me how, “… I don’t HAVE to care one single iota,” and, “You are making this all up in your head!” Now I dread going to church even more and have an urge to vomit whenever thinking about having to interact with him.
But the moral of the story is that when I received this email, I reached out to people who I thought would console or try to help me. One, well I had a crush on him (he had a crush on me too… and I console him whenever he has pills in one hand and a knife in the other), but he heard that I was having a harsh time and just stopped talking to me. The other, he and I have blogged for a long time (and he used to always be there for me when I was having a harsh time) but he lent no support and thought that it was funny. I ended up calling my mother and discussing the whole thing for several, tear-filled hours (from midnight on), which is bizarre because she and I do not discuss things like sexuality and church because I just end up making her cry, and she makes me cry. We talked through everything though, and although it was awkward, she was there for me.
I guess I am just disappointed with those that I turned to first. I used to have this huge support from the online community, but now I don’t. I can somewhat understand it because I have stopped communication with them because I think they are whiney and are obsessed with themselves, but I don’t believe that that means that they can just turn away when I have a crisis. The problem is that I give everyone a “Come-to-Jesus” speech.
This speech has nothing to do with Jesus, but when I was given a “Come-to-Jesus” a year and a half ago, well that was what it was called so I keep on the namesake. Essentially, I tell these people that they need to get over themselves. Nobody cares that they are gay and that maybe they should develop other parts of their character before they become swallowed up as the annoying homosexual. This has offended people, I know, when I deliver it to them. But I think of how much my life was changed when my friend Sarah gave me a “Come-to-Jesus” and I hope that maybe I could influence these people for good, like she did for me.
But from giving these speeches, I have become hated. One person has said that I “… just don’t understand it anymore. BYU must be making you forget who you are!” Another has said, “I am not obsessed with my sexuality! Being gay is who I am!” I think that is a prime example of a concept flying above one’s head.
I don’t even know how I got to that topic but anyway, I am sad that I have lost a support system because I am unwilling to focus my entire life on one, small detail of my life. Maybe I should just get a therapist instead… meh.
This last Wednesday, I was talking to my father on the phone, trying to explain why I didn’t want my sister’s boyfriend to move in with me. I didn’t want to be blunt and say, “I don’t want him to live with me because I don’t want people back at home to know that I am the apostate child. I don’t want people to judge my parents because of how my life pans out. I don’t want to ruin things for my sister.” So instead, I was just kept saying that I was hard to live with. My dad then decided to insult me several times, and then reference the bishop’s last letter where it said, “… the dark side inside of you.” I really had no clue what this meant and my father told me that I needed to ask my bishop.
I would rather stab myself in the eye with a meat skewer than meet with the bishop, so instead I sent him an email. I asked him what he meant by the, “dark side,” and also why he gave me a letter about sexuality when that was not the subject matter that I asked about. But then I wrote him the truth; the letter haunts me. Because of that letter, I feel awkward around him and at church, and most of the time I feel ostracized. I feel like he judges me, and that he is two faced, and that he will treat me just like his previous members in Greenwich Village, whom he described as, “… visiting hell when I went to visit! They hate the world and everyone in it, and have no potential….”
He didn’t take to the letter too kindly and responded in the hour telling me how, “… I don’t HAVE to care one single iota,” and, “You are making this all up in your head!” Now I dread going to church even more and have an urge to vomit whenever thinking about having to interact with him.
But the moral of the story is that when I received this email, I reached out to people who I thought would console or try to help me. One, well I had a crush on him (he had a crush on me too… and I console him whenever he has pills in one hand and a knife in the other), but he heard that I was having a harsh time and just stopped talking to me. The other, he and I have blogged for a long time (and he used to always be there for me when I was having a harsh time) but he lent no support and thought that it was funny. I ended up calling my mother and discussing the whole thing for several, tear-filled hours (from midnight on), which is bizarre because she and I do not discuss things like sexuality and church because I just end up making her cry, and she makes me cry. We talked through everything though, and although it was awkward, she was there for me.
I guess I am just disappointed with those that I turned to first. I used to have this huge support from the online community, but now I don’t. I can somewhat understand it because I have stopped communication with them because I think they are whiney and are obsessed with themselves, but I don’t believe that that means that they can just turn away when I have a crisis. The problem is that I give everyone a “Come-to-Jesus” speech.
This speech has nothing to do with Jesus, but when I was given a “Come-to-Jesus” a year and a half ago, well that was what it was called so I keep on the namesake. Essentially, I tell these people that they need to get over themselves. Nobody cares that they are gay and that maybe they should develop other parts of their character before they become swallowed up as the annoying homosexual. This has offended people, I know, when I deliver it to them. But I think of how much my life was changed when my friend Sarah gave me a “Come-to-Jesus” and I hope that maybe I could influence these people for good, like she did for me.
But from giving these speeches, I have become hated. One person has said that I “… just don’t understand it anymore. BYU must be making you forget who you are!” Another has said, “I am not obsessed with my sexuality! Being gay is who I am!” I think that is a prime example of a concept flying above one’s head.
I don’t even know how I got to that topic but anyway, I am sad that I have lost a support system because I am unwilling to focus my entire life on one, small detail of my life. Maybe I should just get a therapist instead… meh.