Saturday, March 5, 2011
Broken People, Hoo-Hah cont'd., and Why My Friends Make Me Feel Lonely.
I’m stuck. I feel like I am just stuck and can’t get myself moving again and I don’t really know why. Things are going good for me; I am doing well in my studies, I have friends, I am graduating soon... So why do I feel like I am stuck?
Well for one, every broken person in the state of Utah flocks to me like I am some beacon of hope. Almost every month since I have lived here, I have either been asked to take somebody to the emergency room, Planned Parenthood, or the psych ward. It never stops. And I like to put on a cheerful smile and go about like everything is ok, but really it sucks and I hate being put in these situations. On top of everything, this guy who I occasionally like (but he lives in DC, so not like anything is going to happen there) randomly will call me and tell me how horribly depressed he is and I don’t know how to fix things when they are more than 30 miles away from my present area. My friend with the warty hoo-hah finally had a gynecologist look to see if she had genital warts or not, and now she wants to discuss with me every detail of her feminine hygiene with me: Tampons, douches, Vagisil. I am soon to just shoot myself to keep from having to hear about it.
One problem that I hate to admit is that my friends make me lonelier. All of them want to snuggle with me, flirt, and hold my hand, which just makes me realize how I am still alone and that the only people on this planet who are attracted to me are women. I love my friends, I really do, but they make my loneliness into an omnipresent entity. And so I have to get away from them to just sit in my apartment (which doesn’t help anything either!).
But on a good note, I had dinner with this guy who has been in my life for more than two years now and finally we are on the same plane. He is really the only guy who has ever taken me out on a date, and he will always have a special place in my heart, but he and I never really felt the same way for each other at the same time. Dinner between us was finally just normal, and I didn’t have to worry about what I could and could not say. Somehow, we finally became friends and I feel relief.
Sometimes I wish I was just 30. My life would be started by then, I’d have a job, a decent place to live, and possibly a relationship. And whenever I tell people that I just wish I was 30, they always respond, “The adventure is in the journey!” No, it isn’t. I want my adventure to begin once I arrive at my destination. And I would like to be at my destination now! I have never been known for my patience.
Well for one, every broken person in the state of Utah flocks to me like I am some beacon of hope. Almost every month since I have lived here, I have either been asked to take somebody to the emergency room, Planned Parenthood, or the psych ward. It never stops. And I like to put on a cheerful smile and go about like everything is ok, but really it sucks and I hate being put in these situations. On top of everything, this guy who I occasionally like (but he lives in DC, so not like anything is going to happen there) randomly will call me and tell me how horribly depressed he is and I don’t know how to fix things when they are more than 30 miles away from my present area. My friend with the warty hoo-hah finally had a gynecologist look to see if she had genital warts or not, and now she wants to discuss with me every detail of her feminine hygiene with me: Tampons, douches, Vagisil. I am soon to just shoot myself to keep from having to hear about it.
One problem that I hate to admit is that my friends make me lonelier. All of them want to snuggle with me, flirt, and hold my hand, which just makes me realize how I am still alone and that the only people on this planet who are attracted to me are women. I love my friends, I really do, but they make my loneliness into an omnipresent entity. And so I have to get away from them to just sit in my apartment (which doesn’t help anything either!).
But on a good note, I had dinner with this guy who has been in my life for more than two years now and finally we are on the same plane. He is really the only guy who has ever taken me out on a date, and he will always have a special place in my heart, but he and I never really felt the same way for each other at the same time. Dinner between us was finally just normal, and I didn’t have to worry about what I could and could not say. Somehow, we finally became friends and I feel relief.
Sometimes I wish I was just 30. My life would be started by then, I’d have a job, a decent place to live, and possibly a relationship. And whenever I tell people that I just wish I was 30, they always respond, “The adventure is in the journey!” No, it isn’t. I want my adventure to begin once I arrive at my destination. And I would like to be at my destination now! I have never been known for my patience.